Well, the time is here. All of the last 18 or so years have gone by so quickly! That beautiful baby you brought home from the hospital (It seems like just yesterday!) has grown up and is off to college this fall. Congratulations!!! You have done your job well! The goal of parenthood is to raise a child to be a healthy, independent adult. There are some parents who can’t wait until their kids leave home, and those who worry about it, but the end result is often the same: a sense of loss.
While having a young adult leave the nest is very exciting for that young person, it is often a source of stress and grief for a parent. The parent who is often the primary child caregiver, can find this transition particularly difficult. After all you have devoted so much of your heart, time and energy to your child for many years. It is understandable that you have these feelings.
While being a parent is never easy (It IS the hardest job in the world!), you have reached a major milestone. Your young adult is packing and preparing to go off to college. You will always be this person’s parent, however, your job description is about to change.
To make matters worse, oftentimes, your child leaving for college may coincide with other major life events such as menopause or retirement. And because an adult child moving out of the home is considered “normal,” parents may receive little compassion for the grief they are experiencing.
Research suggests that after major life changes, it can take 18 months to 2 years to feel right again. Don’t ignore the stress you feel. Stress is known as the “silent killer” and is linked to the six leading causes of death: heart disease, cancer, lung ailments, accidents, liver cirrhosis, and suicide. Stress also plays an impact on your blood sugar levels which affects your mood and metabolism and affects your creativity and intuition.
During this time of transition, take good care of yourself. Transform this time of change into opportunities. Here are 8 steps to help you get through this time of transition.
1. Make sure you have a good support system. See your friends who are supportive. We need different kinds of support from different people. For example, one person can be supportive if she/he offers a “sympathetic ear;” another is supportive when she/he doesn’t interfere; still another can be available to give advice. The people in your life CAN make a difference in enabling you to seize the opportunity for personal growth during this time. Seek their help when you need it, enjoy their companionship, and realize that, as in all relationships, they too benefit from rich human interaction.
2. Learn some stress management skills. Do you spend time worrying about your child? I would say that most parents do. However, when it becomes extreme, you will need to
find some stress management skills that will work for you. This is a time of transition for you and you may find yourself in a world that may seem very unfamiliar to you. These changes can demand your attention, time, and energy as you struggle to adapt. Working out, taking a moment to breathe, doing meditation are all healthy ways to manage stress. Experiment with ways to find what works for you.
3. Regain your sense of identity. So many times when we have kids, we tend to lose who we are as a person. We have been identified as our child’s mom or dad for a lot of years. While that part doesn’t change, your life can now focus back to what you are interested in. Make this time about you! Develop a new hobby or bring back an old one. Take a class. Now is the time for you to grow, too! Turn this transition into a positive force and let it make life more interesting.
4. Make this time about reconnecting! If you have other children at home, you will have more time to devote to them and to your partner. Do some fun things together to make this transition less difficult for everyone in the household.
5. Make yourself available. When you are bored and feel left out, go where the action is! Sitting alone will just make you frustrated. Instead of withdrawing and feeling sorry for yourself, get involved. Volunteer or join an organization. There is an extra bonus in this – it helps make friends!
6. Avoid self-medication. Although there are many chemicals, including alcohol, that can mask symptoms of stress, they do not help you adjust to the stress itself. Many can be habit-forming, so the decision to use them without consulting your doctor can be dangerous. The ability to handle the stress of change comes from within you, not from the outside.
7. It is OK and normal to feel sad and a bit anxious. Talk out your worries. If you are really struggling with the changes in your life, it will help to share worries and concerns with someone you trust and respect. This may be a friend, family member, clergyman, or a therapist. If you find yourself becoming preoccupied with this issue, it might be wise to talk to a therapist. This is NOT admitting defeat. It is admitting that you are an intelligent human being who knows when to ask for assistance.
8. Spread your wings and fly! This is a big change for both you and your child. Time will usually take care of things. You’ll begin to ease into these changes over time. You and your child both can grab this opportunity to spread your wings and fly! It will be OK for both of you.